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Topic: Feedback? - Started 11 years, 3 months ago
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Posted 11 years ago
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Something interesting is coming up for me and curious to get your thoughts/support/feedback. I’ve always really taken to heart the concept of responding to fear with love. And I’ve done the best I could to date but something funny is appearing when I reflect on it. As I look at the relationships where I did my best to respond with love I see that I rarely receive any love back. Now, getting love back is an outcome which I can’t control but why would I continue to invest in these specific relationships. I am not suggesting throwing these relationships away but I am just asking myself, “why do you keep trying to ‘love’ people who aren’t necessarily interested in ‘loving’ you back or in receiving the love from me.” I have a pretty long list of these type of relationships; a ‘best’ friend who rarely calls, an ex-girlfriend who calls mainly when there is an issue in her life, a former employee who turns to me in times of trouble, brothers who treat me poorly till something is needed. Is this a classic case of; ‘you accept the love you feel you deserve’? It’s almost like I am ‘begging’ or rather ‘bartering’ to be loved. I try to manipulate them by offering support/love and in exchange by doing so I feel loved. And if accurate, what is the movement towards something more truly loving? I’m not mad at any of these people because I’ve been doing the begging/bartering but it is more about what does the different choice look like. |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi Eric, What I’ve seen more clearly as I’ve devoted my life to using opporptunities that present themselves to create AP is that what I had been reacting to as love was not the Love that comes from God/the Universe. It was a fp that wanted acceptance and to feel validated and worthy. The Universe supported me beautifully in showing me what I needed to heal. It had very little to do with the “who” that triggered fp’s and so much more to do with the “what” that was was keeping me in fear and need. In a couple of situations I did not stay in relationship with that person, but the loving energy that took us in different directions came from a healthy part, not fear. Blessings, Pam |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi Eric, From your note it sounds likes you’ve already discovered a frightened part of your personality that has a hidden agenda disguised as love. I’m thinking that re-reading the chapter on Pleasing in the Heart of the Soul might be supportive. Have you been able to notice what you’re feeling in the moment when these frightened parts are active and also notice their thoughts and intentions? When you’re able to notice these things in the moment, you can try something different, and then your experiences will start to change. And then you’ll be able to share with us what that choice looks like for you. It is an on-going process for me to not indulge the frightened parts that wants to ‘love’ people or caretake them so that they ‘love’ me back. When I am able to challenge it, which means not trying to manipulate people and love without attachment (which sometimes means doing things their frightened parts don’t like), I experience more love for myself. And then I am able feel more accepting and loving towards the other people, even sometimes when they are angry or withdraw from me. When I don’t ‘need’ them to love me, then I can take down my walls and finally love them and honor their path. It can be extremely painful sometimes to challenge it, but I have noticed over time a general sense of more love and gratitude in my life. That’s what it looks like to me. Love, David |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Thx Pam. Your words resonate with me and I was wondering if you could expand on them just a little more. It’s like I ‘get’ it but not fully but can feel there is something important for me to learn. Thx David. Good suggestion about the pleasing chapter. I have not read that specific chapter in a while. I haven’t been paying close attention to my physical sensations and thoughts but have been feeling a lot of anger in me lately. I feel it is somewhat connected. thx to both of u for the support it is truly very helpful. Eric |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi Eric, When I interact with someone, I like to look at my intention first. If I have any doubt as to what that is, I scan my energy centers and notice what I’m feeling. If I’m experiencing tightness or discomfort, then I know a fp is active. If I’m attached to the outcome of an interaction, as in trying to get someone to like me or agree with me, I know I am pursuing external power. Perhaps it would be helpful to first of all set your intention to create more love in your life. I try to do this every day to keep myself mindful. Then I trust that whatever comes to me that day will teach me something and give me the opportunity to challenge fp’s that have been ruling my life. It’s a process that takes time and loving patience with myself. In some cases the outcome may be the same, as in your talking with your brother and setting healthy boundaries, but the energy that you access will come from love for him and yourself and not fear. Fear of not being loved or accepted. Just stay open to doing the best you can do in that moment. I know that the Universe/God supports me in ways I cannot begin to imagine beforehand when I choose to see myself and others as souls in partnership on this journey. “Getting it” is the light bulb that goes on, now I have to do the work of challenging fp’s. That’s where the rubber meets the road!! With love, Pam |
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Posted 11 years ago
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thx Pam for expanding & thx David as the chapter was important for me to re-read. It seems that anger and pleasing are opposite ends of the same spectrum. Fundamentally, this entire process is about what I can learn about myself (and change). This past week I have been feeling rage inside towards the people that I have been ‘pleasing’. Essentially, replacing one FP/coping behavior with another. That middle place is very painful; not pleasing nor raging. No one around me is necessarily going to change (that thought brings up rage in me) and I struggle to accept that. I think I had been using the AP concept of ‘respond to fear with love’ as a rationalization behind my pleasing but not sure. Lots of experimenting ahead. Eric |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi Eric, I am inspired by your courage. Fp’s always sabotage my life whether it’s thru anger or longing or embarrassment, or whatever the fp of the moment is. Sounds like you are being presented a grand opportunity to challenge and heal and be free of the distortion this fp gives your life. You are in my thoughts and prayers. It’s hard work, but I love what Linda said. – it’s not as hard as living my life in fear, letting fp’s rule my behaviors thereby creating more pain in my life. The rewards of creating AP, LOVE in my life are worth it. Namaste, Pam |
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Posted 11 years ago
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You’re welcome Eric. 🙂 Love, David |
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Posted 11 years ago
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I just read Gary’s blog titled, “The Shocking Truth About Compassion” and I believe it fits nicely in this tread. I used to think that not having an attachment to an outcome meant to just love others regardless of what they do. That still holds for me with the caveat of including myself first (in terms of love). In my case, if a brother is constantly trying to hurt me emotionally I can still offer them love but also don’t need to continue taking the hurt. It could be as simple as saying, “i love myself too much to be spoken to in that way.” The goal is not to change how my brother treats me (he will have to decide if he wants to do that or not) but rather to change how I treat (and love) myself. thoughts? |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Eric, David, Pam, So much food for thought, I feel I am learning about myself just from witnessing your conversation. Eric, I found Gary’s blog “The Shocking Truth About Compassion” extremely powerful.I am reminded by reading his post that things are not always what they appear to be. An action that appears cruel can actually be a compassionate one. Do I have the courage to act with an empowered heart without attachment to the outcome? Do I have the courage to refuse to relate to my friend when he has been drinking? Do I have the courage to refuse to interact with him from a place of mutual need? I do. It’s putting this courage into action that is most challenging for me. It requires that I let go of many things that I have hung onto. It requires that I let go of the need for my friend to be a certain way before I can accept myself (or him). It requires that I let go of trying to find external validation for myself. It requires that I let go of the need to be needed in order to be acceptable, valuable, and loved. It requires me to be radically compassionate towards myself, and accept that my value does not come from doing for others, but from expressing that which is within me in love. Love, |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Yes, Yes, Yes! Basically how I was feeling reading your words. “It’s putting this courage into action that is most challenging for me.” I relate big time. I was initially drawn to Gary by his words (The Seat of the Soul) but what pulled me in was when I could feel that he was actually living what he created. That was most powerful for me. and yeah, the third & fourth paragraph r spot on for me as well…really spot on. It’s tough stuff…real tough but the alternative isn’t any easier (at least not in the long run). Thx for the post. |
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Posted 11 years ago
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I’d like to share a recent experience I’ve had. My 5 year old grandson is in the hospital with high fevers that weren’t responding to 2 weeks od antibiotics. It was a scary and unpredictable time to my fp’s and I luckily didn’t have much trouble identifying them. However, challenging them took me to a new depth of understanding and appreciation for the process of creating A/P. He had been taken to the ER on Sunday night with symptoms of meningitis, and as I drove there to be with him and my d-i-l, my professional, medical mind was preparing to do “battle” with whoever I/fp envisioned would trigger my concern for his proper care. As my mind raced, I also saw fp’s that were wanting me to question the perfection of what would transpire. I asked out loud for support from the Universe, and as I did my fear and doubt changed to acceptance and compassion. I believe the actions and my behavior were still similar to what I thought would be necessary, but my energy was totally different. I still questioned the ER physician about his expertise in doing a spinal tap on a 5 year old. I still evaluated and discussed with those caring for him what needed to be done. But the big difference was that I saw everyone as souls and partners who could share their journey with me. I still used my areas of expertise to facilitate and advocate for my precious grandson. But I didn’t need to enter any discussion with the fear and control that fp’s thought necessary. I was so clear about my intention and purpose. What they did and how they reacted had very little to do with what I did. I just wanted to act from the most loving place with integrity that I could access. And I know that the Universe met my request with great compassion and wisdom.. When my energy is aligned with the loving energy of the Universe, all is well. My sweet little guy is still in the hospital, and his course has been a little rocky. My daily prayer is to help me see I what can learn in every moment, and to do so with love. Being aware of my intention, and choosing to act from love, not fear, changes my whole experience. As ever, I am so grateful!! Blessings, Pam |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi Spiritual partners, I was reading your powerful conversations. I wanted to share as well ask a question. I am also seem to be dealing with these very active frightened parts. I am aware that the intensity could be very different. Sometimes I feel i am completely lost in fear though I am still aware of being lost. I feel totally helpless at that time. When I am in my frightened part in the intensity of the emotion-I wonder if I should stay with it or keep my awareness seperate from it. The more I stay in it I seem to make it stronger or am I perceiving the full depth. I am trying to focus in the present moment not to be completely swept away by it. At that moment I do not find any thing healthy about my personality to act from. In the past I would have escaped into books, painting or TV. I try not to do that anymore. What do we do when we are taken completely over by an emotion like fear? What if it lasts days and sometimes wakes me up in sleep. I usually get up and meditate. Any insight is helpful. Thank you Peace and love |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Thx for sharing Pam…I related deeply to the ‘battle’ energy which u drove to the hospital with. I have yet had the courage to challenge that energy when it appeared in me…I usually let it ‘own’ me and of course push & scare people away. You’re little one has been in my heart since I read your post. I hope he is doing better. with love, |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi Radhika, “What do we do when we are taken completely over by an emotion like fear?” I don’t have an answer but just my personal experience of what I try do when I’m swept by fear. I recently have been swept by my fear and made the choice to indulge it. It essentially paralyzed me for a little period. It did not help but it is what I did. But for me I can only boil it down to ‘practice’. My fears will never go away…they may diminish but will always be with me. So, the best I can do is practice daily responding to them with love. And the positive consequence of that work is diminishing fear. This past week I resisted practicing and indulged it…as a result I earned a little more pain. So, I guess in the end I do the best I can. with love, |
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