Thank you for sharing your experience and insights about family, Pam. I started responding to you right after you posted, but then I stopped because it was getting very late and I was too tired to continue. Then I (lazy fps) “forgot” about the beginning of my post. I just found it in my computer today. So here is what I wrote two weeks ago:

“As it turns out, in a few hours I will leave for Bloomington, IN, where my ailing mother and my brother live. With my mother, who is subjected to advanced Alzheimer’s disease, all contacts have been very loving and open in the past years. My mother no longer recognizes us individually but from time to time she responds to our presence with joy. At such moments, her eyes light up, she looks intently at us and sometimes manages to sketch a smile. I’ve been granted to witness her withdrawal progressively, which has enabled me to absorb the alterations in her consciousness without indulging too many fps around loss. Between us now there remains nothing but love, beyond words, at a heart level, because her heart is still fully present and perhaps even more present than it has ever been. She has nothing else to give but pure love. For this I am grateful.
With my brother, it is less simple. We have a rough history, consisting of divergent beliefs about life and normative behaviors. In fact, we aren’t close at all, but when I visit our mother, I focus on appreciating the gift of his presence, the fact that he has made an effort to be with us. Nowadays it is always a loving experience for me. He also seems to be relaxed and enjoying himself.”

When I found the beginning of my response today, I was amazed to read the description of my mother because during this last visit she gave me the most beautiful, loving smile I have seen in a long time! She looked so happy, no, much more, she looked so joyful that it brought tears of joy to my eyes while I felt my heart overflow with love. I am sure she recognized me this time. Her response was almost instantaneous when I came up to her and lasted several minutes. My brother, who was with us at that moment, said that she never smiles at him, that she actually will frown on occasion when she sees him. I asked him to experiment and sit in front of her, which he did. She looked right at him and beamed her loving smile once again. What an experience! My brother was so clearly in fps that didn’t trust, but the Universe provided him with an opportunity to change his perception. From his reaction, I could tell that he felt moved. As I write about this experience, I just now realize that, when she is “awake,” my mother is pure love, no matter what the object of this love may be. What an amazing lesson for me in cultivating love and compassion for all.

Regarding my brother, I was going to say more the other night. Our relationship is now loving (from my perspective, which is really all that matters), but this only happened because I challenged fps that felt disconnected from him, especially two years ago, when we had a long conversation, at the end of which he said he would never be close to me. At the time I had prepared myself for this conversation, knowing that it would present an opportunity to challenge fps, but fps still felt utterly devastated for an hour or so after we parted from each other. With support from my husband, I was able to challenge those fps. A little later, I realized that I was feeling so devastated because fps had expected my relationship with my brother to be different. Now I have no expectations when I am going to see him and this enables me to enjoy his presence fully. Whatever he gives is so much more than I expect, since I expect nothing, that it reaches me as a gift. What a beautiful place to be in. I feel deeply grateful.

What an appropriate topic for a day when we are thinking about attachment and experimenting with trust!

Since your post two weeks ago, I have read the conversation with Rosalind and appreciate the insights you have both provided. I feel grateful for everything I am learning from spiritual partners on this forum.

With love,
Catherine

Wow I am so inspired by these posts- I haven’t really felt confident in sharing on this forum yet, but I have been yearning to be a part of the aplc community because once a month is too long for me to go in remembering to practice creating AP. I will write more later because my kids are having needs, but this is especially pertinent to me because my family triggers A LOT of FPs for me and I have chosen to invite my mom and sister for thanksgiving and I am now looking forward to challenging the fps that will inevitably come up and see how I can choose love and compassion for them. ah, I’m just so inspired by the beautiful work you have all described. thank you.

Thank you Catherine! Ok I would like to post what FPs have been triggered in the past by my mom and sister, in order to hopefully lay some ground work in challenging them. I have seen my mom as a total victim, self-centered, miserable and self-pitying, and very very limited in what she can offer to others(specifically me and my kids). So as I read your posts, I am thinking about how uncomfortable and painful it is to face those FPs that are in me, & how ashamed I am to own them, & also how very far away I want to keep her. I have been so angry at her for being such a distant mother but my FPs don’t want to let her into my life- my FPs hate my mom. So it was from an intention of love to choose to invite her for thanksgiving. I expect nothing from her, in the past I have bought, prepared and cleaned the whole meal while my family sat there. & then resented then thoroughly, but I am now thinking about my incompetent and stupid FPs that come up when I am with a very capable, controlling person, & I’m thinking that’s who I am when my family comes. No one can do anything as well as I can(no wonder they just sit there). I am interested in knowing what it would feel like to just feel love for her exactly as she is and appreciate her presence. Another motive which prompted me to invite her and my sister was that I treated my husband the same way(totally incompetent and useless), & he was so hard for me to be with, & then he left me and my life fell apart completely, & I thought, ‘I don’t want all my relationships to end that way. Some day, I might miss my mom a lot’. I must admit that I think it will take all my courage to stay in love for my mom, & I am thinking it will be baby steps, but I am committed to reaching for the healthiest parts of my personality. As for my sister, she triggers perfectionism. I hate it in her because I hate it in me. Again, it feels like another reason my husband left- because of my Puritan, navy seal perfectionism. I would love feedback on how I can challenge these FPs or if there is work I can do to prepare for the upcoming event. Thank you very much.

Stephanie,
Thank you so much for your genuine communication. I have similar fps and their roots are also with the relationship with my mother and sister. I can feel your determination in reaching for the healthiest part of your personality. I started this journey by reading Gary and Linda’s book, “Emotional Awareness” it was profound in that it was the first tool that made me look inward as a way, and I have found it to be the only way, to truly learn about my emotions. It is my foundation in being able to experiment with responsible choices and finding out which ones are healthy for me.
Respectfully, Soula.

Hi Stephanie, In an earlier post to you on Attachment Vs Trusting the Universe, I was going to end by sharing “that as you challenge the fp of attachment with your husband that you might find attachment in other areas of your life”. I erased that last sentence. I can see now that it may have been supportive to you. Do you feel you have an attachment to being a victim in your life? Love, Carol Ann