To get love and attention! The way it knows how to do that is by being a victim and having a crisis

I am going to post about my attachment to my husband changing his mind and coming back to the marriage. This is something I have been desperately attached to, it felt like my life literally depended on this happening. I have worked over the past year to challenge this attachment again and again, & though it has diminished in power significantly, & I am finally moving forward with the divorce in acceptance, I am posting that regardless of knowing that the healthiest thing is to move on, & not wanting the attachment to be there, I know that that secret second agenda is still hanging out in the deepest coves of my genes- that’s how it feels. I want to be free of this attachment- truly free, not ‘free so that the energy will shift and then he will come back’. So I am posting this in order to expose it and seek support in challenging this attachment (& the myriad of FPs that are connected to the attachment). Thank you, Stephanie

Thank you Catherine! Ok I would like to post what FPs have been triggered in the past by my mom and sister, in order to hopefully lay some ground work in challenging them. I have seen my mom as a total victim, self-centered, miserable and self-pitying, and very very limited in what she can offer to others(specifically me and my kids). So as I read your posts, I am thinking about how uncomfortable and painful it is to face those FPs that are in me, & how ashamed I am to own them, & also how very far away I want to keep her. I have been so angry at her for being such a distant mother but my FPs don’t want to let her into my life- my FPs hate my mom. So it was from an intention of love to choose to invite her for thanksgiving. I expect nothing from her, in the past I have bought, prepared and cleaned the whole meal while my family sat there. & then resented then thoroughly, but I am now thinking about my incompetent and stupid FPs that come up when I am with a very capable, controlling person, & I’m thinking that’s who I am when my family comes. No one can do anything as well as I can(no wonder they just sit there). I am interested in knowing what it would feel like to just feel love for her exactly as she is and appreciate her presence. Another motive which prompted me to invite her and my sister was that I treated my husband the same way(totally incompetent and useless), & he was so hard for me to be with, & then he left me and my life fell apart completely, & I thought, ‘I don’t want all my relationships to end that way. Some day, I might miss my mom a lot’. I must admit that I think it will take all my courage to stay in love for my mom, & I am thinking it will be baby steps, but I am committed to reaching for the healthiest parts of my personality. As for my sister, she triggers perfectionism. I hate it in her because I hate it in me. Again, it feels like another reason my husband left- because of my Puritan, navy seal perfectionism. I would love feedback on how I can challenge these FPs or if there is work I can do to prepare for the upcoming event. Thank you very much.