Eric – I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve made bad choices in relationships and have paid for those bad choices by finding myself now at 56 alone and in a “dark hole.” I base too much emphasis on relationships, I know. Yet I’m afraid to have one for fear of repeating the past. Afraid, afraid, afraid. That’s overwhelming me. If I felt as though I had some sort of purpose, I think the fear would go away. But every day for months, I wake by myself and my first waking thought is, Another day without a purpose. I always had a purpose . . . taking care of husband, children, parents. Husbands are gone, parents are gone, children are grown and in their own lives. I sincerely want to throw in the towel too. I hate this emptiness. I study and think, spend a lot of time in nature. I volunteer. And every single morning, I start the same way. There is no love here. I don’t know what to do. Where is the universe??? Am I fighting against what the universe thinks I need? If the universe thinks I need to feel this emptiness and lack of purpose, I don’t think I can do it every single day. I hope you and others find what you need. Selfishlessly, I hope I do too.

Hi Debby – So glad to meet someone else here. No, it is not easy. I am struggling with it today. I don’t think it’s supposed to be a struggle. I don’t want to be trying to align my personality with my soul merely in hopes of not feeling the pain of this “loving” thing. Does that make any sense to anybody? It’s as though I’m trying to heal myself so I won’t feel loss, which is a vicious circle. I’m probably putting my mind into it too much and not enough of my heart. Yesterday, I followed my intuition and purchased mega lottery tickets with the intention of giving a million to all my friends and family. (However, my secondary, or maybe primary intention was to keep at least half of it. Oh, but I would start an animal rescue.) I’m being silly here, really. But it’s just an example of the craziness. It’s like a good/bad, black/white puzzle I’m trying to put together, and it doesn’t fit yet.
I do hope you and my other friends here have a good day and progress on your journey. Thanks for your reply. 🙂

Hi Eric,

Your words give me hope. I wish the same for you.
Marilyn

Hi David,

I’m taking the course too. Good to meet you.
Marilyn

Thank you, Eric. I am afraid that this is exactly what I am supposed to learn — how to be content and happy by myself. And I am kicking and screaming the whole way. I don’t want to learn that. Shall I say, my personality doesn’t want to learn that??? I, too, miss the feeling of loving. Now that I’m studying this and exploring my soul, I wonder if I was loving in order to be loved. Does that make sense?? Is that wrong and selfish and negative??? Are we supposed to ignore the fact that we want to be loved? I think it’s probably a long process. I feel changes already, but I’m not there yet by a long shot. You are right, living it is the hard part.
I hope you find what you seek and learn the lessons you are meant to learn (without much “personality” pain).
Love to you, Marilyn

I have a very close friend of 25 years. She and I both have been single for several years and have always had each other to vent to and fall back on. She has recently developed a “fall-in-love” relationship with a nice man. I am happy for her. Truly. But there is this jealousy in me that I want so bad to be rid of. I don’t like it, and I consciously work on it. But it’s still there. I miss our close friendship. We are at different places spiritually, but that has never mattered. We were always extremely close. Just thought I would post this and see if anyone has any suggestions or has felt the same way.
Marilyn

Hi Christina,
Thanks for the suggestions. I will definitely look into them.
I am definitely not where I hope to be, but I feel more at peace since beginning to read and study here online.
Have a good evening!
Marilyn