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Topic: What am I not seeing, the moment I feel hurt by my mother - Asha Started 6 years, 5 months ago

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
Asha
Posted 6 years ago

In 2016 I finally (47 years) understood that my parents are the perfect mother and father for me. I had the graceful experience, an epiphany. Their ‘mistakes’ suddenly made a lot of sense. It kept me searching and asking for healing, progress, peace, etc.

So I wrote a letter to my mom and my dad, sharing my insights. I was able to say thank you. And 4,5 months later my father passed away. My father’s personality was kind and loving. He didn’t do well on the protecting part, but I loved being in his presence. He was great in ‘being’ there.
My mother has a lot of narcissistic characteristics and after years of therapy and building a life for myself, I was able to write her a letter and thank her for everything she has done for me. The good as well as the ugly.
Because of ‘Seat of the soul’ I realized that I cannot change anyone, but myself. So I decided then to stop trying. Since my father passed away, the interaction with my mother has obviously increased. And I try to choose love every time.

The part that hurts me the most is when my boundaries aren’t respected. To give a specific example: my mom forwards a lot of conspiracy stuff and negative messages via email or whatsapp. And since the beginning of email, I’ve asked her to exclude me from her mailing list, because I’m not interested (to say the least). I’m only interested in her. But she says she is entitled to do so… well…. it’s not important why she keeps doing that….

The thing is: every time she ignores my boundaries, I feel wounded. I feel it in my stomach. And I can’t get passed this point. And believe me… I’ve tried. The only thing I can do now is breaking off contact for a couple of days, just to restore. It makes me angry and sad and I’m kind of desperate, because I can’t see what I’m doing ‘wrong’ here. If I create my own experiences, why am I hurting myself through my mom.
What am I not seeing, not learning, not noticing?

And what also makes me sad, is that I hardly can feel love for her. I mean really feel it. The way I feel it for my dad. I know I love her. And I probably will love her to pieces when I got my answer, but for now… it’s hard (tears).

And at the same time I am so grateful for this tremendous teacher that she is for me.
When I look back at my life, I can say that my mom is my greatest teacher, next to my dad.

Is there someone here who can relate?
Sundar Naga
Posted 6 years ago

Hello Asha,

Next time when you receive a negative email from your mother, read it carefully and closely, and see which kind of frightened parts it activates in you. Feel those parts well, challenge them and try to replace them with the corresponding loving parts. The spiritual growth you experience thereby will allow you to really feel love for her the way you want to as you have expressed, I think.

With love and trust,
Sundar Naga
Sundar Naga
Posted 6 years ago

Asha,

Of course, you can do the above also with the previous negative emails from your mother. Whenever you are able to, let me know the progress.

With love and trust,
Sundar Naga
Ami
Posted 6 years ago

Thank you for your post to share.

Please, let me share my story .
(English is not my first language, so, please, be aware of it)

Relationship with my mother is a challenging one.

Her ways of doing and sayings are great triggers of all emotions of mine.
Most of times I am overwhelmed by her ways of doings and comments.

I seemed to react strongly with resentment , and to have a big distance to her contact.

I chose always love as intention for her, however, outcomes caused another unpleasant feelings, pain of powerlessnesss.

So, I really wanted to change my mother’s ways of doings and comments
However, it seemed to be impossible doing it.

So, I changed address of intensions to myself instead to my mother before I respond to her.

I forgive myself that I can not accept my mother’s way of doing and does not feel compassion for her at this emotional stage. And, I say that I love myself as I feel at this point of emotional stage and give a warm big hug for myself.

My mother does not accept my way of doing and does not feel compassion for me because she also acts like that way in her frightened part of her personality, and she is not aware of it, and that is why she does not change her ways.

My mother’s intension is love , I guess.

However, her ways of doing and comments hurted me a lot and I could not feel love.

She has been doing her best and I have been doing my best.

What I needed was to have compassion for myself first by forgive myself what I felt and tendencies to react in unfavorable way, and love myself as I in that emotional stand.

My challenge was to have compassion for myself who did everything to respect mother and failed, and forgive that I have been hurting myself by these failures, and to understand I also needed compassions and understandings as much as I did to my mother.

Thank you for reading this by this end.

With gratitude and love,

Ami
Ami
Posted 6 years ago

Hi Asha and Sundar Naga<

Thank you for your post, Sundar Naga.
I also have practiced by your way after reading your post.
It has been helped. Thank you.

Asha,

I have found this in one of video’s hand out of ” Date Added: March 4, 2014″.
I though this might useful for you.
It has been useful for me.

With gratitude and lots of love,

Ami

———————————————————-
A Daily Practice For Consulting Intuition
Date Added: March 4, 2014

Questions to ask yourself when you have a reaction, to support you in learning about yourself and making responsible choices.

Any time you react to anything…

• I feel overwhelmed (too busy, don’t have enough time, etc.)

• I am sad (depressed, manic, impatient, etc.)

• I lost my job (hate my boss, etc.)

• S/he disappointed me (betrayed, cheated, etc.)

• I feel inferior (invisible, unworthy, etc.)

• I am upset because my car broke down (flight got cancelled, etc.)

• I feel entitled (superior, better than, etc.)

Ask yourself:

What can I learn about myself from this reaction?
How can I heal this part of my personality that is reacting now?
How can I change my perspective from frightened to loving?

Listen for the answer.

It will come.
Asha
Posted 6 years ago

Dear Sundar,

Thank you for your response.

The point is, I do challenge my FP’s. I know who they are, but I don’t know how to replace them.
Can you give an example of an FP and its corresponding LP?
How do you do that?

Thank you, Asha
Asha
Posted 6 years ago

Thank you Ami,

Your story really helps me out.

I guess I still haven’t totally accepted the fact that I failed. Even though I wrote that to my mom, saying that I realize I have to accept that we cannot have a mother-daughter-relationship that is satisfying for the both of us. And that I just love her and stop trying.
I also know my mom loves me, it’s only the way she expresses it is harmful. But I know her intention is love.

Somehow I keep feeling responsible for my failure. So thanks for telling your story.
Asha
Posted 6 years ago

Thanks Ami for referring me to that video.

When I feel so wounded, I can’t find the questions to ask myself, to come out of the identification with that feeling. Now I can use these questions.

Thank you!
Sundar Naga
Posted 6 years ago

Dear Asha,

For example, when I feel angry, I can replace it with compassion. This compassion becomes possible when I realize that the other person and I are both on the same boat, namely we both are associated with some or other FP’s and are expected to discover them, challenge them and replace them with LP’s. The FP’s in question might be different for each of us; nevertheless we both face the same fundamental issue. So, there is no point in feeling angry toward the other person. Instead, I should feel compassion and help the other person address his or her FP that is active at the moment.

With love and trust,
Sundar Naga
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