I had an interesting experience this evening. Some of you may know that I used to have frightened parts of my personality that were addicted to alcohol and I rarely drink now. But I did last night. There was a homecoming celebration for a relative and I was offered a drink at the beginning of the evening. The first time I checked my intention, remembering the possible consequences (I usually feel lousy even if I only have one) and I declined. Later on as I got more comfortable with the group and the alcohol was flowing more freely, I was offered another drink. This time, my frightened parts quickly rationalized and I said, ok, but just half a glass of wine. Once the wine hit my lips that f.p. that wants to feel good more than anything else kicked in and was already thinking about having more alcohol when I got home. It was over a 2 hours drive home and I arrived around 10 p.m. I was tired an could have easily gone to bed, but the f.p. had already made up it’s mind and I already made up my mind to indulge it. Instead of choosing to get quiet, reflect on the day and go to bed, I went to the grocery store and got a giant chocolate bar and a 4 pack of pinot noir. Last night and I ate the entire chocolate bar and had one of the small bottles of wine. This morning I felt lousy. The sugar and alcohol disturbed my sleep. Later today, I kept eyeing the other 3 bottles. But it was early (maybe later I thought). So this evening I went to see a movie called Flight with Denzel Washington. My plan was to watch the movie and then drink one of the bottles of wine when I came home, maybe two, maybe three. I didn’t know what the movie was about. I had thought the movie was an action or conspiracy movie, but it turned out the movie was about an alcoholic (isn’t that interesting). Several times there were scenes showing the main character pouring all the liquor down the drain only to take a drink again. The movie was very powerful in showing how the addiction of alcohol can control someone and how much courage and willpower it takes to acknowledge the problem and stop drinking. Needless to say, I was shaken up a bit, i.e. I had some frightened parts activated. Because as I watched the movie, I became more aware that the frightened part of my personality that is addicted to alcohol still exists. It’s just waiting for the right condition (the f.p’s call it a “special occasion”. This evening the special occasion was that I’m home alone and no one will know that I’m drinking). I now that if I indulge this f.p. for something that seems so little (e.g. what’s a glass or two after a ‘stressful’ week) there will be another time that the frightened part will want to drink more because of something that’s really ‘serious’. I do realize that the frightened part that wants to drink is based on the same fear that wants to eat. It believes that it needs to escape the painful moments of life instead of using them to grow. I am setting my intention again to challenge this frightened part of my personality and am asking my spiritual partners to support me if they ever see me drinking. It’s not something I want in my life under any circumstances. But even more important than the consequences of drinking, I know I don’t want to mask the pain that keeps me from going deeper. Because that’s what I need to continue to do to love myself and others more.

Love,

David