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Topic: Sibling Question – choosing love over fear - Started 12 years ago

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Anonymous
Posted 12 years ago

I have an older brother (6 years older). He of course helps me on my journey towards wholeness. We have a relationship whereby I do my best to respond to my fears with love when they become awakened by an experience I have with him. By that I imply not taking his actions personally. He also enjoys chatting with me. He will often come over and chat about his struggles at work or in personal relationships and I share as honestly as I can my experiences that relate with those topics. I try my best not to give feedback or play therapist. And he seems to find something magnetic about these chats. I think it awakens something within him or at least that is how I perceive it. It helps me as it confirms to me that I am on a journey that works for me. However, in all our alone chats he will rarely if ever ask me about anything in my life. Yet, that all takes place when we are alone. When people are with us; other family members or friends he becomes almost violent with me. It is not a physical violence but I experience a violence in his intentions towards me. It feels like his intent (I’d suggest unconscious) is to hurt me. I do not at all doubt my experience of it (there is a violence there) but I struggle with how to respond to it. For example he will (with others present) order me around or yell at me. I rarely react but i think i do not react out of fear…fear that I will react in anger. But then once we are alone it is as if nothing has taken place and I don’t feel right nor safe. I feel like I am being used.

Curious to hear feedback if anyone relates to the situation and what it means to you to respond with love. I feel like I am handling this situation from a place of fear but am confused as to what it looks and feels like if done out of love.

love,
Eric
LORI SHARP
Posted 12 years ago

Hi Eric
Have you considered telling him the truth. Not about what you might be noticing about your brother, but what you are noticing about yourself and what you are feeling in your energy centers during these interactions. Sharing honestly and focusing on my frightened parts has helped me change many of my relationships from based in fear to loving and compassionate. I would love to hear what you choose.
Love
Lori

Gail
Posted 12 years ago

Hi Eric, It sounds like you might have a frithtened part of your personality that is attached to an outcome. Is it possible that a frightened part of your personality wants your brother to be different so that you do not have to experience the pain that gets triggered as you interact with him? You mention that you do not feel safe and that you are being used. What does the experience of feeling unsafe and used feel like in your body (in your energy centers)…For me, once I can experience the physical sensations and notice the fear based thoughts, then I am at a place where I can access my inner guidance
and see what it is I need to share, if anything. Love, Gail

  • This reply was modified 11 years, 12 months ago by Gail.
Anonymous
Posted 12 years ago

Hi Gail,

thanks for the response. Can you expand a little more on your post? Yes, I feel tightness in my neck, chest and knots in my stomach when I feel like I am being used. I feel anger. I often want to shout, “GET OFF ME” to my brother. But then the other day I saw him walking on the sidewalk among people downtown while I was in my car (he did not see me) and I felt a closeness. I actually thought to myself of all the people on this planet he came out of the same womb as I did.

But I am angry. I am angry that over the years he never cared for me till now that he has gotten divorced and feels alone. I am angry that is always so needy towards me. All this anger. Most of it because he is not (nor will he ever be) the way that I want him to be.

Do boundaries play a role here too?

Eric
Gail
Posted 12 years ago

Hi Eric,

It feels to me that a fear based part of you wants to “figure out what to do” or fix something/someone. Your brother is the trigger for your anger….not the cause of it and your interactions with him are offering you an opportunity to learn about yourself. Gary and Linda’s book, “Heart of the Soul”, the chapter on anger, might be of support. Love, Gail
Anonymous
Posted 12 years ago

thanks Gail. I did re-read the chapter on anger and it was very helpful. It was freeing to be intellectually reminded that it is not my place to expect anyone or anything to be different than how it/they is/are. And I have also been able to come to terms with a frightened part of me that is scared to simply let me brother know that I need my space at times. I feel afraid that I would not be a ‘good brother’ by requesting that. And by requesting it I do not imply in anger but just lovingly saying that at times I need my space and I will do my best to ask for it when I experience that feeling.

this is how I understood my experience.

thanks,
Eric
Gail
Posted 12 years ago

Hi Eric, It sounds like you are learning a lot about yourself. Thank you for sharing your process.

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