Today’s call was challenging for frightened parts of my personality that didn’t want to be there. At first, I/fps thought that I didn’t feel much of a relationship with Robin Williams, whom I had only seen in a couple of films. It seemed that I didn’t care that much about his life or his suicide and that people were giving in to media hype around a celebrity. But I did recall that my first response to the news of his death had been a feeling of compassion for the great pain I sensed in him. I remember appreciating how well he performed, how believable the characters he impersonated were. Now that I consider my experience with his films more deeply, I realize that these characters bring up emotions about the meaning of literature for me (Dead Poets Society) and about separation through death (What Dreams May Come).

While listening to the call I appreciated how Gary and Linda were able to discuss multisensory perception and the creation of authentic power through Robin Williams’s suicide. As I revisit their discussion now, I can see how Robin Williams gave us all a gift.

But during the call, fps felt disconnected. I had to challenge them in order not to hang up at the end, before going into our small groups. As I began to speak in my group, I realized I had been feeling numb, fps not wanting to revisit the pain of my son’s death by suicide when he was 17 years old.

All these days, reading and hearing how so many people were touched in some way by Robin Williams, a new fp emerged around my son’s death. This became clearer two days ago when I unexpectedly met an intuitive artist. We engaged in a meaningful conversation, and I learned that she had lost her brother to an accident when he was 17 years old, the same age my son was when he died. She told me that the day before her brother’s death, he had expressed how he wanted to “give more.” Shortly after his death, a legacy named “Eric’s gift,” in honor of him, was created in the area where we live. When I heard that, fps of sorrow and regret arose over the absence of any legacy following my son’s death. I even thought at that moment that I had to do something to preserve my son’s memory beyond his immediate family. I remained with those fps until today, not entirely aware that they were fps and so unable to challenge them.

In our group discussion with my spiritual partners today, I came to understand that the death of Robin Williams was a gift to the world, something I had sensed over the past days but not seen as clearly as I do now. Because of their love for him, many people have been viewing suicide with compassion and have been talking about letting go of judgment. Indeed, Robin Williams’s death has brought the gift of greater awareness, and in this way, his soul is contributing to the evolution of our species. I was intrigued during the call today when Gary suggested that suicide can sometimes come from love. I have no idea whether Robin Williams’s suicide came from love or from fear, but in the larger picture, I now see it as an expression of love, whether or not he himself was aware of this.

Thanks to our discussion about Robin Williams’s suicide as a gift, I also came to understand that my son’s death was, and will always be, a gift that has assisted me in my spiritual growth. (He is also assisting his sister in her spiritual growth.) I have known this truth but I lost touch with it when I began indulging new fps of regret. When one of our spiritual partners mentioned the word “legacy” in our conversation today, I realized, with the loving parts of my personality, that this gift is my son’s legacy. There is no need for another kind of legacy that would be visible in the five-sensory world, such as Robin Williams’s legacy or the legacy of the artist’s brother I mentioned above. It is what I do with my son’s death right now, in the present, that matters. If I look upon it with fear, I am rejecting the gift of his precious life and all that his death has to teach me about myself. I know that my son’s death is the most precious gift I have ever received because it awakened the deepest frightened parts of my personality as well as the most loving parts of my personality.

There is more to say, always, but I feel I have said what matters most in the context of today’s call. I am so grateful to Gary and Linda and to all my spiritual partners for supporting me in my growth.

With love,
Catherine

• This topic was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Catherine.