Hello Seana,

Thank you for sharing your post.

It may not be the exactly the same, I understand what you have posted.

In my case, I make distance to people, to life, to love.
I seem not trust on these.
I need to be my expectation fulfilled exactly as I expect to .
Off course, almost never time that happens and even it happens I expect more and more, and that is a bottomless pit.

Because I realize my pattern of this, I try to have distance to them.
However, it is not good, too.
So, I tried to see the fear in them.

I have fear to loose control of almost everything.
However, it has given me lots of insight and make me less uneasy, I still have something within which I have tried to face.

I want to love and be loved, and to have compassion for the other and to be companioned by the other.

Relationship with people involves myself, too.

My pain needs to be healed by understanding, compassion, care and etc.
I wish I could do that to my own pain by having understanding, compassion, care and etc. by myself.

Because I have so much pain inside, I do not have much spare for the others to give love of those understanding, compassion, care and etc. I feel so sometimes.

Another hand, I feel happy that I can feel pain finally, because I did not feel it before. I numbed myself by keeping myself very busy and occupied. I had much more distance to everything and everyone before.

By feeling pain, finally I feel myself human and can have compassion to myself a little bit. I can forgive my imperfect being a little bit. I can, a little bit, forgive myself who could not tolerate myself who put in position of pain or in such imperfect situation.

I forgive myself not be able to love as I wish, or not be loved as I wish. And, love myself who is not perfect as I expect, in that way I can make myself less distant from myself, maybe 0.00000001mm of distance is closer, however, that is a big progress for me.

By less distance to myself, I feel distance to the others is less, maybe 0.000000000000001mm less, however, that is still a progress for me.

Thank you for sharing my story and reading it to this end.

with gratitude and love

Ami

Sean, thank you for sharing your post.

I see.

Thank for awaking my awareness. I would like to share my experience which relate to your post.

It is not so easy to see all the beauty in myself, because my eyes are in front only, I can not see the beauties of my back side.
5 sensory physical being of I have used to see 180 degree of sights, even I wish to have 360 degrees.

Now I aware of multi sensory being of I train to see the beauties more from different angles.
Step by step, and a little bit and a little bit, 0.000000001 progress can be every time.

If I could see them effortlessly in the beginning I would not need to try to grow spiritually, and I do not do it because I can do it .
Because I can not see them well, I try.

I am a queen of failure. Because of those failure, I realize there are enough to succeed as much as those failure I have experienced.

I ,actually, really understand your comment of “now If I could just see the beauty in me” which I confront every day.

I say to myself that I have not seen them 100% yet, however, am I realistic to conclude myself that I have not seen them at all?
Because I know that there are beauties in me, I try to see them. How do I know that there are beauties in me? Because I have ever encountered them somewhere in the universe or in me, only I have forgotten of it or I try not to see them.

And, I also I can see the beauties in others which means I am also a human being, or a homo sapience which I am in the academic category of 5 sensory pshisical animal, so, I must have them, too.

I have lots of impatience and am lazy or love to relax being lazy, so, I have tendency to conclude that I do not have them or I do not want to see them, or I do not need to see them because I do not care or I am ok with not having them etc. Those are my lovable and unique parts of my personality.

However, I also wish to see, feel and enjoy the beauties inside of me. It is, maybe, not a wish, it can be a desire.

I have tendency to see the beauties comparing to the other’s beauty and have tendency to disappoint. So, I remind myself to see and dare to admire them as my beauties, which can be very different from my expectations of image of beauty I had and which are very unique, original and authentic to myself, as they are.

The beauties are inside of me, even I do not see them or feel them. I walk with them. I have been living with them. So, it is not important that I see them. However, my consciousness beg myself to see them and admire them, because it is needed by me, or my soul need to be nourished, or the time has come to heal.

By writing this, I can see my frightened part of myself. Thank you for this opportunity.

With gratitudes and love,

Ami