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Topic: Relationships: Descerning or Running Away? - John Started 11 years, 1 month ago
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hello everyone. I miss all of you that I met at the authentic power retreat in Oregon this July. It feels good to connect again. I have spent a lot of time since we last met, listening to Gary’s books on tape and reflecting on what I have learned. The one that feels most powerful to me right now is called “Emotional Awareness” and I am finding it helpful in understanding a relationship I am currently in. For over 10 years, I was been my dream to create a relationship with a lover who is also a spiritual partner and someone I can grow spiritually with. About 3 months ago, I met a woman named Susanne from Austria who is very much into growing and learning about her self. At first, I was very excited to be with her. We shared so much sweetness and tenderness. We shared, meals, hikes, and motorcycle rides though the forests here in Sonoma County, California. We moved rather quickly in the depth of intimacy we shared and talked very openly and honestly about our thoughts and feelings. Then slowly, little but little, I started to notice things about Susanne that I did not like. I expressed a genuine interest in her and asked detailed questions about the experiences and interests she shared. I began to notice that she asked me very few questions about my experiences and interests. I put a tremendous amount of energy into caring for her by cooking her dinners, cooking and packing her lunch for work each day, massaging her body and feet, and many more acts of care. Although she deeply expressed appreciation towards me for what I did, I began to feel resentful when I did not feel the same desire to contribute to me, such as one time I asked for her help one evening at a client’s office and she resisted. I felt joyful inside giving all of my gifts at the beginning of our relationship, and then later partly resentful and had thoughts that she was selfish when I did not feel the same desire to give to me. I also noticed how judgmental she was at times and I often felt her being judgmental of me, which deeply frightened me. I found it was hard for me to relax around her. There are also, in my mind, many good things about Susanne. She has high integrity, is committed to growth, and to some degree, working on emotional stuff together. Recently however, I had an inner sense that this was not the kind of relationship I wanted to be in and I broke up with her. I am now in pain from the loss. I love her very much but would have felt out of integrity with myself and with her to continue given the feelings I had. The part of this I don’t fully understand is weather or not I am running away from an experience with Susanne that, if I clearly set my intentions to learn, I could have used to grow together. I think what Gary said is true in that “Every partner is a spiritual partner” I know that I can learn from and love anyone. I also know that I have left every relationship I have been in thus far when I start to see things I don’t like about the other person. I know that the things I don’t like about them are things I also don’t like about myself. I want so deeply to create an intimate spiritual partnership but I find myself over and over, tormented with the question of “Is this the right person for me”? My question is, how do I know if it is appropriate for me to leave a relationship? Is there such a thing as more or less compatible in terms of relationships or is it more true to say that commitment to growth is the most important thing and it does not so much matter the person we choose to be with? |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi John, So good to hear from you! I can offer you my own experiences of creating authentic power in my life. Whenever I am conflicted I know a frightened part is active because I feel in my body the pain and constriction that come from processing energy from fear. I then look at my thoughts, such as the one a you expressed. – not being appreciated, not feeling cared for. What’s important for me to do then is look at the intentions of these thoughts. For me, it is to keep me dependent on things outside myself, thus keeping me limited in how I respond to opportunities for growth. I understand that everything that happens in my life presents an opportunity for me to heal and grow. Interactions with others are the triggers that point to what I need to heal. When I change myself, I change what comes into my life. – the law of attraction. Sounds like you’ve been presented with a wonderful and powerful opportunity to learn about yourself. Doing the work of healing is painful and difficult. But as I heard Linda say, not as difficult and painful as living my life controlled by frightened parts of my personality. Please stay connected and let me know how you are doing. Love and Blessings, Pam |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi John, |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Dear Gail and Pam, Thank you so much for your responses. They were very helpful. Gail, your sharing: “I am suggesting that the pain you are experiencing is triggering something much, much deeper inside of you…and is a message from your soul for you to be with and explore more deeply. Is it possible that a part of you that is based in fear might be trying to “figure things out” and also focusing on your friend, to keep you distracted from what you could be learning about yourself?” was very helpful. I do feel this is a message from my soul. I go into such deep emotinoal pain when in intimate relationships and I know there is something for me to learn here. I let Susanne know today that I wanted to continue our relationship. She is giving me an opportunity here to look at something I need to look at as you said. I realize now that as long as there are things for me to learn about myself, there is still reason to stay in the relationship. Pam, your sharing: “Whenever I am conflicted I know a frightened part is active because I feel in my body the pain and constriction that come from processing energy from fear. I then look at my thoughts, such as the one a you expressed. – not being appreciated, not feeling cared for. What’s important for me to do then is look at the intentions of these thoughts. For me, it is to keep me dependent on things outside myself, thus keeping me limited in how I respond to opportunities for growth.” was so helpful too! When you talk about the intentions of the thought of not being appreciated, I too know that they keep me dependant on things outside of myself. Thank you both so much for your feedback! I feel so blessed to have your support:) Warmly, John |
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Posted 11 years ago
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John, Thank you for sharing and reaching out for support. It sounds like you have been able to recognize that you may have frightened parts of your personality that want to run away from the pain that feels unappreciated and judged. For me, paying attention to and challenging the frightened part that wants to run away is a big step in healing. I feel like I am noticing that you may still be indulging that frightened part that doesn’t want to feel your painful emotions. Is it possible that you have a frightened part of your personality active that wants to continue the relationship with your friend so you no longer have to feel the pain from the loss of your relationship? ~David |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi David, Thank you for contacting me :). Yes…I think you are right about that too. I did not want to fully experience that pain either. I felt I needed to decide quickly weather or not to continue the relationship as I feared I might lose her if I waited too long. Having made the decision to continue, I felt a big relief. Is the healty thing to do, feeling the pain before making the decision? |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi John, I have an example from my own life that I think might help answer your question. Last year I was also in a relationship. It was a business relationship and the primary need for me that was being met was a financial one. I too had often thought that I was out of integrity by remaining in that relationship although I had stayed in it for 5 years. A series of events happened at work the triggered in me two conflicting emotions. On the one hand, there was relief and a clear knowing (loving parts of my personality) that I would not be in my integrity by continuing in the relationship. On the other hand, I felt anger, and judgments (frightened parts of my personality) that were fed up and didn’t want to deal with the situation anymore. The next day I sent an email indicating that I was terminating the relationship. I ignored and denied that pain I was experiencing from my anger and just focused on the loving part that was ready to move on to other things. It’s been almost a year since I sent that email, but just a few days ago, I was talking to my wife about some work related activity and she supported me in seeing that I had not let go of my judgement and resentment towards my business partner in all of these months nor had I looked even deeper to see why he triggers me so much. I believe that I made the right decision in leaving the partnership, but if I had taken some more time feeling the pain before I made my decision, I feel that I would’ve been one step closer to healing the part of my personality that feels unappreciated, and unlovable. Perhaps my life would’ve been a little more open and loving in these last few months as a result of that healing. I don’t know. I do know that I will get the opportunity again to heal. So, to answer your question, I think by taking the time to feel, you give yourself the opportunity to heal right now. How might your life be different if you move forward with healing? Why not start the healing process now? I’m sure now matter how your relationship continues, you’ll get another opportunity. I look forward to hearing what you learn. ~David |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi John, You mentioned you “put a tremendous amount of energy into caring for her”, had thoughts that she was selfish when she did not feel the same desire to give to you. Is possible that you were not truly giving to Suzanne? I know for me, when I truly give to another, I have no expectation of anything in return. I am able to love and enjoy being with them. When I do something for someone and recognize that they do not show appreciation or that they don’t do something “comparatively” nice for me – I feel pain in my energy centers and know that I had an expectation and frightened part of my personality was active. Thank you for sharing. Blessings, Carol Ann |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi David and Carol Ann, Thank you both for writing. It really feels good to be supported in moving in the direction of “feeling and healing” 🙂 Since I decided to continue with Susanne, I feel that I made the right decision. There are important things for me to learn here and it is exciting for me to move in the direction of opening to these feelings. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and giving your feedback. Carol Ann, it is nice to hear from you again:) I really enjoyed spending time with you at the workshop. It was wonderful spending time your daughter Kristen too. I notice that you’re sharing, brings up a frightened part in me because I don’t like to think of myself as giving with attachment. I see myself as a person who loves to give and who is very generous with his time and resources. I have long however, desired equality in relationships in terms contributing. I see however that this is not always the case for me. When giving to people I am not in long-term relationships with, I can give without attachment. But when it comes to intimate relationships, if I see that I am putting considerably more energy in, after a period of time, I feel resentful. What is the healthiest way to respond to this? |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi John, Is it possible that you are caretaking even in short term relationships? I am asking this because I discovered in myself that what I thought was caregiving was actually caretaking. The way for you to recognize which it is, is to continually scan your energy centers. If you feel discomfort, you know you are caretaking. The Universe doesn’t judge you but it does give you the tool of scanning to support you in your awareness. I enjoy our practicing spiritual partnership together. Carol Ann |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi John. It’s so wonderful to connect with you again. Wow what a journey you are on and an incredible opportunity for growth and healing. So great that you reached out for support and not much I can add to the beautiful replies given already but I have learnt from being in a 30 yr relationship that the only person you can change is yourself and the more you learn to love and nurture yourself then you can bring the best of yourself into the relationship without needing your partner to fill the gaps and caretaking becomes caregiving as your intentions and actions are without attachment – it’s a never ending journey to create heaven on earth – but it’s so worth it. I have our picture up on my study corkboard with one of my favourite quotes of Gary’s “Love heals everything and love is all there is” . I continue to send love to you everyday as I said I would. Love and light Kathryn 🙂 |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Dear Kathryn, I posted this earlier but just found out it did not go though for some reason: It is wonderful to connect with you too. I really enjoyed your warm and loving presence at the workshop. Thank you so much for sharing this…I know in my heart that what you have shared is exactly what I need to pay attention to. I want you to know how much you have inspired me with your sharing about your relationship experience. I printed out your email and have been reading it every day! Thank you again for sharing and thank you for sending me love. I feel loved by you |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi Carol Ann, I posted this before but incorrect and it did not go though…just found out: It is possible that I am caretaking to a degree. Thank you for pointing that out. I know that I have struggled with codependency and know I have having those kind of feelings in this relationship. I will be looking out for this in the future. Thank you! |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi again John. Thanks for your post – it sounds like you are ready to do lots of self exploration and work on yourself through this challenging situation that has presented itself and I’m sure you will have a huge amount of growth with your commitment to your contribution towards creating a spiritual partnership. I know our paths have crossed for a reason and I felt a strong connection from the moment we met – you made me realise I sort of took for granted the huge amount of love I have in my life and I know now that I find it easy to give and receive love – I’m using one of the gift I was born to give – that is so wonderful and exciting. If you would like to stay in contact I’m on Facebook – Kathryn Jones or you can drop me an email kathryneena@gmail.com I wish you a life full of love, joy and peace. 🙂 |
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Posted 11 years ago
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Hi John, Thank you for responding to me. When I read codependency in your sharing my 5th energy center started to tighten, my 4th energy center at my ribs feel squeezed and my 2nd energy center tensed and again 4th energy center at my heart is burning. This is a core frightened part that I am challenging. Thank you for the opportunity for me to recognize the power of this frightened part and the courage it takes for me to challenge it. Love, Carol Ann |
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