What I am learning?

As I have been reflecting on my original post I can feel the FP in my body. It is centered mainly in my stomach and chest. However, I can also feel that the FP is an old one. By that I can remember feeling this way when I was very young. I can remember this same physical pain. I would stay home and watch sports rather than go out and be with my friends. I made that choice from fear and I used to know that I didn’t want to do that but was too scared to chose otherwise. I was feeling powerless. And the only way I can gain ‘power’ when in fear is through attack (i.e. anger at my brothers, friends, self-pity, etc.).

It’s hard because my brother and friends really show me where I lose power. They trigger in me that deeply held FP. The one I personally struggle to challenge. Since, I don’t like to feel that FP triggered by them I basically never speak my truth with them. I try to make them like me so much (by doing things) so that the next time I am with them I will not feel that pain. But it has never worked because that pain is living in me and not them.

Back to square one. The only option I have is to put myself out there even more so I can create opportunities to challenge that FP (which is not always fun). The very deep one that I am so familiar with (have carried it for so many years).

It’s scary but I have to do it.

thanks,
Eric

oh thanks Rosalind. I’m really glad that it was helpful. When I was young I was sexually abused for a few years and then as a young adult & beyond I began acting out sexually (addictive). However, after the abuse I seemed to internalize an FP that I would suggest said something like, “you are not man enough.” And I began to hide. I hid from friendships with men and intimacy from women. I’ve been hiding for a very long time and that old FP seems to be a big reason why.

About the comment I think I was referring to being attached to the outcome. I would suggest because I isolated so much as a result of the old FP referred to above that i had a certain expectations to my ‘loving’…”i will be super loving with you and in turn you don’t leave me alone.” But they always ended up leaving me alone or so I thought. It has been me leaving myself alone and isolated.

It sucks as I know how hard this is for me to challenge. It’s easy for me to be friendly with people but the intimacy part is terrifying (both romantic & friendship wise). But I have to do it or I’ll just be alone for a very, very long time.

thanks Rosalind.

Eric

Hi Rosalind,

I am not sure what you mean by the first two questions (perception of the FP). Regarding the last question I feel ready to start challenging that FP. I am sure I am going to have plenty opportunities in the near future to challenge it so that it can start to slowly lose its power over me.

Thanks,
Eric

Hi,

I now understand what you are asking. The feeling is coming from a FP. It’s intention is to remain hidden; to not be exposed. The loving part is hard. Well, it is not hard to write & comprehend intellectually but hard to make real through volition. The loving part wants deeply to connect with people. The loving part feels that there is nothing broken that needs hiding.

Thanks,
Eric