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Topic: Need help changing my perspective from fear to love - Catherine Started 11 years, 5 months ago

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
Catherine
Posted 11 years ago

Last week, I went with some friends to watch the movie “Bless me, Ultima,” in a small cinema. I was sitting next to the isle, and on the other side was a spectator with a large bag of popcorn (or the like), which he continually dipped into, making lots of creaking plastic bag noises. He also drank from an extra-large soda cup with ice cubes, making just as much noise. At one point he sneezed several times and then sniffled loudly for minutes. There were only a few “blessed” moments of silence, when I forgot about his presence and got engrossed in the film. Otherwise, I perceived his presence and movements so intensely that I felt the need to “shield” my right eye and my right ear with my hand. I told myself that I would never again go to see a film in a theatre and would just wait for the releases of films on DVD.
All along I knew that I was locked into frightened parts that judged this person, and even more, that focused on him as though to pounce on him at the slightest noise he made, or as though to say, “see, you are a slob, I knew it!” It was as if I expected the worst and received it! I felt strong repulsion. At least I knew that I was governed by frightened parts that were obsessed with this spectator’s behavior, because the intense physical pain I felt in my chest and solar plexus alerted me that something was going on with me, which had nothing to do with him, except that they were triggered by his behavior.
I tried to challenge those frightened parts that judged him as inferior (knowing that I had placed myself in a position of superiority), and I tried to get to the root of those frightened parts. At the time, I wasn’t able to do much more than resist a strong impulse to get up and ask him to be quiet so that everyone could enjoy the film. Those fps felt so justified. After all, a cinema is a place where one should be as quiet as possible. These are accepted social rules.
As I was searching for ways to challenge my frightened parts, I tried to look at this person with compassion and to find reasons explaining his behavior: I told myself that he probably hadn’t been raised to understand the social rules of movie watching, that he was probably used to watching films at home (on TV and DVD), where he could make all the noise he wished to make. In other words, I was really trying to make myself feel better and I was inwardly caretaking this person. My perspective was therefore not truly compassionate since it was attached to an outcome (feeling better).
After the show was over, I asked my friends, who had sat next to me, if they had noticed anything, and they hadn’t! Yet they were only one seat further away from this “noisy” spectator. So I had to dig deeper into my frightened parts to try to see beyond them. So far, I have only been able to recognize that my upbringing has conditioned me to feel sensitive to noise and to what I was taught to recognize as “slovenly” behavior. This recognition is supportive to me insofar as I can detach from my reaction and see it more as coming from fear. Therefore, I know that it isn’t “me.” Yet I still have an urge to feel justified, because I see certain polite behaviors as normative and necessary. So far, I haven’t been able to dig deeper, to really challenge those frightened parts.
I would love to receive support from my spiritual partners.
In gratitude,
Catherine

Soula
Posted 11 years ago

Hi Catherine,

Amazing awareness and courage not to act on the fp that wanted to tell the person to be quiet. Could it be possible that beneath the fp that felt superior to him about the judgement of “slovenly” behaviour is another fp that feels inferior,perhaps jealous of him because he seemed to be ok with this behaviour of which you were taught not to find acceptable.

Thank you for this supportive example of creating authentic power.
Love, Soula.
Pam Meyer
Posted 11 years ago

Hi Catherine, Thank you for a powerful example that resonates with my own frequent thoughts of judging others. What has helped me gain clarity about this is seeing it thru the awareness of my soul, not my personality. And as I do this it becomes more and more clear to me what Gary defines as Authentic Power, aligning my personality with my soul. I’m wondering if the “digging deeper” is coming from a fp that says if I can’t understand it better, them I can’t challenge it as well. Even when I have been able to figure out the reason for my thoughts, that doesn’t do much to challenge the fp that was triggered. Who or what is seeing certain behaviors as normative or necessary? Sounds like a powerful opportunity for change. So appreciate your sharing, Love and blessings, Pam
Sharon Jones
Posted 11 years ago

Thank you, Catherine, for sharing about your experience at the movie. I also have experienced some of the same reactions. As I am looking over the Spiritual Partnership/Authentic Power Guidelines, I am wondering which one you feel would support you most with this experience – and why.
With love, Sharon
Catherine
Posted 11 years ago

Thank you all so much for your responses, which I find very supportive!

It’s likely that a fp felt envious of this spectator’s freedom just to be the way he was. I hadn’t considered this before. And now I wonder if my reaction might not be the recognition of something in me that a fp cannot accept. In other words, this freedom to make noise without apparent consideration of others could be a tendency within myself (mirrored by this spectator), which a fp would immediately condemn instead of letting me look at it in order to learn about myself. alternatively, this freedom could represent a loving part in me that a fp rejects and therefore condemns as “noisy” and “inconsiderate.” It is so much easier for me (fp) to judge others, and when I do that, I am also judging myself. There is a lot to learn here and I am not sure I have gained full clarity yet.

Indeed, it’s an fp that sees certain behaviors as normative and necessary, because from the dispassionate perspective of the soul behavior inside a cinema is indifferent. It’s a fp that doesn’t recognize itself as fp. When I am caught up in such a fp, it can be so dominant that I can’t see the whole picture. I am mostly aware that there is a fp at work, but challenging it feels daunting because I am not sure where to begin or what needs to be addressed. This is why I found it helpful to look at my upbringing so that I could see my reaction from a distance. From the soul’s perspective, I can also feel compassion for the spectator and for “myself” who felt such painful distress.

As for the Spiritual Partnership/Authentic Power Guidelines, I have read them over just now and am considering whether I have been using them to the extent that I am able to in order to learn about myself, to exercise courage (in posting about my experience), and to focus on compassion and conscious communication.

I am going to sit with this experience and your words. With gratitude,
Catherine
Nancy
Posted 11 years ago

Dear Catherine,
We connected for a few moments today on the phone call. I look forward to opening a discussion with our group online, where we can type our messages that couldn’t be heard today.
How wonderful that I found you on this topic! This is a big issue for members of our family: those who expect certain decorum in a movie theater, and those who are oblivious to how they are perceived. I can be ok with the noise; as soon as another family member who objects is there, tho, I become so uncomfortable with the noisy eater. I feel the noisy person is rude, disrespectful, acting almost out of spite to upset the rest of us. I console myself with the idea that they really just Do Not Know how they are coming across, or how to change. I promise myself to never be like them in this way. Is this fear? It feels more like disgust, a very Un-Loving way to “be.” I look forward to learning how to be with someone exhibiting unpleasant behavior, and still find a way to be in the state of Love. Thank you so much for your openness!!
Nancy
Catherine
Posted 11 years ago

Dear Nancy,
What a lovely surprise to find your response! It is interesting indeed that you have a similar challenge as the one I posted about. You ask whether your reaction is fear. If it isn’t love, what else would it be? I sometimes have difficulties understanding that a non-loving reaction is actually coming from fear, because it feels like the person I am reacting to is causing this reaction. I wonder what you will discover if you look into why you react when another family member is with you at the movies and why you don’t react when you are alone. This strikes me as a very rich opportunity for self observation. And do you remember how you feel in your energy centers when you react?
I look forward to our discussion with Leo. It was beautiful to meet you today during our call.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Love,
Catherine
LEO
Posted 11 years ago

Hello Catherine and Nancy
Sorry I am a little late replying f/ps very strong. I called conference call late in at 11:40 EST. Since I remembered past conference call on Sat usually have stared at 12EST I assumed it was to be at 12.I am sure this is no coincidence and comes from my f/ps. I was pleased I persisted and got to talk to you and Nancy even though I could not hear Nancy too well. Your sharing of your f/p of losing being in control was helpful to me since it made me aware of my f/ps about my control issues and being negatively judgmental about my self. It made me more aware to try to be more loving to myself. Looking forward for more connecting with you both.
Blessings Leo
Catherine
Posted 11 years ago

It’s good to read you, Leo. Thank you for connecting with us here. I also look forward to seeing you again at the Journey!
Why do you think it’s fps that lead you to join the conference call at 11:40 rather than 11:00? After all, the earlier time was an exception. The calls usually start at 12:00. I know I had to make an extra effort to call at 11:00, just as I was walking out the door to my car. I had been hoping to get in my car before 11:00. I also had fps active that kept me a little distracted from the content of the call, and sometimes Gary’s voice would fade so I couldn’t understand everything he said. That was, once again, a challenge to fps that want to be in control of the situation. I also found myself missing the computer screen on which I could have seen Gary and Linda. But I did get a sense of the power of the call, with its focus on love. I just downloaded the audio file and am going to listen to it this evening.
With love,
Catherine

David
Posted 11 years ago

Hi Catherine,

This is a very interesting post. I have often found myself in situations where I felt that someone was being rude. For example, I was at a workshop a few months ago, where the leader would go around the room and share what she intuitively notices about each person. It is always helpful to hear what she shares to everyone since we all share common experiences. One lady in the group, however, always starts up a side conversation after her turn is done, which I find very distracting (and irritating to f.ps of my personality). I started to feel the intense pain in my chest and solar plexus and noticed the judgmental superior thoughts. I knew that I had a frightened part active and did my best to feel it. I also saw that I had a wall up and was feeling distant to the woman. I chose to release that distance. After I did that, I checked in to see if it was appropriate to speak to her. I felt that it was and calmly told her that it was difficult for me to hear when she is talking. This also took a lot of courage on my part because I have frightened parts that want to be nice and not direct with people for fear they would reject me. The woman genuinely seemed surprised to hear that she may have been distracting people in the group. She quieted down and I think she appreciated my comment. I felt even more pain for a few minutes after sharing that with her, as the frightened part of my personality that needs to please started to calm down. In the end, I think I created authentic power that day, healing parts of my personality and also supporting someone else in seeing something that she doesn’t see.

Love,

David
Catherine
Posted 11 years ago

Thank you so much for sharing your experience of creating authentic power, David. Knowing that you were able to speak to this person is very supportive to me and I will remember it. In the experience I recounted here, I didn’t feel it would be appropriate to speak to the person in question, mostly because of the setting–it would have required getting up and moving to his seat in the middle of the theater while the film was being screened. I would have disrupted the audience. So the best I found I could do was feel the pain and be aware of the activated frightened parts, while attempting to release the distance I felt toward that person. In another setting, I will remember your experience to support me in developing the courage to speak from a healthy place of my personality (no accusation, no blame). Saying that it is difficult for me to hear or to focus on whatever I need to focus on is appropriate. I admire your courage in speaking to this woman from a serene place.
Love,
Catherine

Soula
Posted 11 years ago

David,

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am CURIOUS. You said that you were feeling distance with the woman and chose to release that BEFORE you spoke to her, how do you think you we’re able to do that? Also, once you felt no distance toward her, what was your motivation for wanting to speak to her?

Sincerely
Soula.
David
Posted 11 years ago

Hi Soula,

I noticed that I was feeling very irritated and having judgmental thoughts about the woman when she started talking. In the past, I may have just stayed angry, putting up an invisible wall with her. I decided that I didn’t want to stay in that energy and put that out to the group or to the woman. I decided to just to focus on my feelings and chose to change my perspective about what was going on. It was very painful in my chest, but I knew that what was going on was really about me and not the woman. After a few minutes, the pain started to subside and I felt I was in a calmer place. I no longer felt judgement towards the woman that was talking. I checked in again and felt that it was appropriate to say something to her and my intuition said I should be direct. I then had other frightened parts that didn’t want to stay anything. They thought that since I was feeling good now, what difference does it make, let it go (very familiar). Those frightened parts of my personality never want to say something to someone that might turn into some conflict or disagreement. I decided to challenge those frightened parts too and spoke to her. My intention for speaking to her was to say what I needed to say in the most loving way I could in that moment.

With Love,

David
Soula
Posted 11 years ago

Thank you very much David.
Sylvia
Posted 11 years ago

Hi David,
Thanks for your sharing your experience. I so relate to when you said, “I then had other frightened parts that didn’t want to say anything. They thought that since I was feeling good now, what difference does it make, let it go.” No so long ago I had an experience of actually letting it go at that point, and has bugged me with regret. But I am grateful because I will remember how i felt about it which will help me next time.

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