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Topic: Looking for spiritual support - Started 12 years, 5 months ago
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Posted 12 years ago
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Background It has been 8 years that I have been actively working through a sexual addiction. In that period I have not been in an intimate relationship as I have been doing my best to heal. Now my struggle is much more focused on the feeling of exploitation which still is vivid within me. However, the partner that I was with 8 years ago has been in my life emotionally since we split. There was always a closeness & warmth between us even if we went months without talking. Since we split she has gotten married, divorced and lost her brother to suicide. I tried as best I could to care give and not care take (not always successful at doing the former). And many times I felt the best I could do to care give was not call or be around. To support by ensuring that she did not feel preyed upon during her most vulnerable periods. When we do get together it is often along the lines of the spiritual guidelines. We try to use our courage and share what we are most afraid to and commit to not ‘squashing our intuitions.’ She is a real blessing for me as she activates so many frightened parts. Question I was with her today. It was about 9 months since we last got together. We spent about 5 hours together just having a coffee and sharing with each other. But when she leaves I feel so much pain inside. I feel knots in my stomach and I feel tightness in my chest. It was difficult for me to concentrate as the pain was so strong. Yet, I am struggling to see what the pain is helping me to see about myself. What anyone to be open to trying to support me through this? Is there an expectation within me? any thoughts would be much appreciated. with much love, |
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Posted 12 years ago
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I was struggling to sleep and finally dozed off but awoke with a feeling that most of my caring for my ex partner was contaminated with an expectation that in return she would love me in a certain way (intimate). But it has always been clear that she does not love me in that way which does not negate the love I do feel from her. Which connects to a deep frightened part which says I am not worth loving. “If I love her, support her enough she will love me how I want/feel I need”. In the end she has given me exactly what I need. |
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Posted 12 years ago
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…continued I continued to feel the physical pains today. Even struggled to eat and knew these feelings were very familiar. I decided to read through my older journals and saw entries from about 2 years ago when her brother died and we were spending a little more time together. The pain was identical then. I can essentially copy an old journal entry for today. But I can’t fully see the frightened part. I think it is a terror of not being loved activated by my interaction with my ex partner. It is a brutal pain. Knots in stomach, tightness in chest and pain at the top of my head. Thx for listening. |
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Posted 12 years ago
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…final post for this tread on my part. I have been focused on my body and the feelings produced by it. And it feels clear that I am full circle. The relationship with my ex partner began with the energy of exploitation on both our parts. Both of us not fully aware of that dynamic. Both of us very broken (law of attraction) and doing the best we could. The relationship built on that energy unchallenged had to end and it did with much pain (learning through the density of matter). And incredibly that energy of exploitation is still a significant part of our current relationship/friendship. The pain I have been feeling these past two days is no different than the pain I felt 2 years ago or the one of 9 years ago moments before we met. It is the excruciating pain that I feel at some level of being not worth loving. The pain that fuels my energy to exploit. But my ex partner is not open to being ‘exploited’ by me as she once was. Even if I ‘support’ her like no one other she no longer repays that ‘support’ with the ‘love’ that I crave. So, I am left alone with the starkness of my pain; powerless. And now I have significant choices to make. I can chose to act in anger, continue to try to exploit (her or others), withdraw, isolate or experiment with more loving choices. To feel my feelings and be gentle with myself, to be with others that I am close to, to remember that my ex partner like me is a great soul and communicate with her in that way. This is my experience of creating authentic power. Thank you for being a witness to my process. much love, |
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Posted 12 years ago
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Hello Eric, |
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Posted 12 years ago
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Thx Kristen. What is it that you see? |
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Posted 12 years ago
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Hello Eric, |
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Posted 12 years ago
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Thx Kristen. I feel like I’m been focusing very much on the physical pain in my body highlighted in the entries above. I don’t feel that I’m indulging in a story about my sexual addiction as it is very real and I’d suggest the FP in me that is most in need of healing. Maybe my struggles with it trigger an FP? Maybe not. But thx for the support. Eric |
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