Hi Eric:

I read your sharing and thought about it for awhile before deciding to respond. I still am not sure how to respond, but I know my intention is to caregive because, as you know, I have the same FP and know how much it has affected my life. I feel a lot of questions come up about your FP because I do not have the sexual addiction FP and I can see how that can be tied to the other FP. I’m curious if you have the FP that is afraid of being intimate with people when you try to get close to male friends or to female friends that you are not attracted to.

I started working for one of my current bosses in 2009 and had some FPs as to how to cultivate a loving relationship because he had frightened parts that wanted to intimidate and had not gotten along with the past five or so assistants he had worked with. I worked to try to come from loving parts when I interacted with him and I think he decided one day to try to come from loving parts with me. Actually, I was in a meeting with him and one of his co-counsel friends and a female attorney, and after that meeting, he seemed to change towards me. I have suspected (or intuited) that maybe his co-counsel friend had commented to him about how he was acting towards me in the meeting, but that is a guess on my part. Anyway, after that meeting, he strived to come from more loving parts of his personality when dealing with me and I’m happy to say that we are now platonic friends.

After just writing that, I’m not sure how helpful it was, but for me, any relationship that becomes more relaxing and joyful seems to help me want to work on challenging this frightened part. And thinking about the FP further, I know I still have to work on challenging it as I noticed it come up a couple of times at the Christmas party last week. For example, I was waiting in line for food and noticed a FP come up that was hesitant to talk a former female boss that I used to work with who was standing in line in front of me. I did speak to her, but I think she knew I was behind her and my hesitancy to say anything immediately seemed to trigger FPs in her, too.

Talking about this frightened part really helped me to see it more clearly. I also think just sharing about myself in general is helpful to me. I find it can be difficult to be vulnerable with others, but at the same time, I have found it is easier to share about my FPs the more I do it. I also think just getting to know a particular person can help me to cultivate intimacy with them and make me less frightened of them. On that note, I want you to extend the opportunity to be platonic friends via e-mail, if you are interested.

Love,
Deb

Eric:

Thanks for your sharing. Our connecting on this forum has caused me to look more closely at my fear of intimacy and I realize now that I haven’t been focusing on it as much as I usually do because other FPs seem to be holding my attention lately. I’ve been challenging and working on fears associated with living with my ex-husband, trying to sell our house, working to figure out what to do with the feral and stray cats I currently feed and caregive, dealing with sad feelings over a past relationship with a man that I still love, connecting with my siblings because my mother now needs to be in an assisted living situation, dealing with vanity issues because I feel as though I was just given a bunch of facial wrinkles, etc.

I am going to go out for a drink (a non-alcoholic one) on Wednesday night with a female friend whom I am slowly getting to know better. We probably have worked at the same firm for approximately 25 years together, and I do remember that after she and I went for a walk together once during a lunch hour about 15 years ago, I felt rejected by her because it didn’t seem as though she was interested in going for a walk again together after that. And, in fact, we never did go for another walk again, although we were still friendly with each other and talked from time to time. Here it is about 10 years later, and we are connecting again and have probably gone out for about ½ dozen lunches together in the past year and one after-work party together. Do I have some FPs about going out for a drink with her, especially since I won’t be drinking and because of our past experience together? I would have to answer, “yes,” but upon reflection, I’m not sure if I’m less frightened because I’ve been trying to challenge this frightened part for awhile now, or because lately I have been feeling more accepting of myself, or because I am feeling that right now I have other more important things to worry about, so don’t worry about being rejected by this other personality. Maybe it doesn’t matter why and right now as I write this, I’m feeling that I’m a loving and good person, and I can only do the best I can and try to come from a loving place when I am with her. I will have to remember to be more emotionally aware and scan when I’m with her.

I’ve been very busy for many years now and know that I will be less busy when I move. I’m looking forward to it because I do want to focus more on myself and believe then that my fear of intimacy will become more of a focus. (Plus I may start getting more than 5 to 6 hours of sleep each weeknight!) I continue to try to challenge this FP by connecting with friends/spiritual partners via phone and e-mail – even when I’m busy and don’t know if I can reply to another e-mail or plan and be on another phone call. I feel that I do have friends and spiritual partners whom I am intimately involved with – who know me and know a lot of details about things that have been happening with me, and I am grateful for those connections. I feel their support and love. I do not feel it is challenging for me to discuss my fear of intimacy on this forum because even though some people have and do go “deeper” with their feelings on this forum, how many can say that they feel like they have established an intimate relationship with anyone via this forum? I was offering the e-mail connection because I feel for someone to really know me, it is helpful to connect and share more details than what is typically shared on this forum and to share more than just about one FP.

I really appreciate your sharing. It give me perspective on my FP and helps me to see that many times I can effectively challenge this FP and sometimes – depending upon the situation – big fears can surface again. For example, although I do experience a lot of intimacy via writing (e-mails) and talking, I am not physically with many people and do not do many things with them. That is something I hope to experience more once I am on my own. I know it will be a challenge for me.

Love,
Deb