Hmmm, and now I worry, am I care taking you? Well, such is the learning journey!

Harrumph! Hate all soul partners who provide good advice! ?

Hi Sundar,

I totally understand your concern. I too would love for this board to be hopping with people sharing freely their hopes, dreams, fears, challenges. And for others to be providing the guidance we are seeking.

I know your question was to Doug, but let me try and answer. Because otherwise, Doug is in the unfortunate position of interpreting how I was doing the care taking, and perhaps hurting my feelings. He is likely to say, there you go again, with your care taking ? helping out when no help is sought!

Anyway, If you read what Doug wrote , he is simply saying that in response to my question, what risks are you willing to take, that on that day he was taking the risk of sharing. Nowhere in his post did he suggest that he needed help with risk taking.

It is I who intervened with unsolicited advise, and that is the sense in which I was care taking him. Providing unasked for help is care taking.

If he needed help, he might have phrased his response differently, perhaps said, why am I afraid of taking the risk of sharing. He did not.

When we attend Gary and Linda’s call, on the other hand, we are implicitly asking for their advice. And so, what they do in that circumstance, is not care taking. But even there, if a caller just says, I live in lousy Los Angeles, and they jump in and say, I have a friend who can help you find a job in swanky San Diego, they may be care taking. They may ask, do you need help getting out, and if the caller says yes, then they can offer….

That is my understanding of care taking. Anyone else have ideas?

Love,
Shelley

Hi Sundar, and all Soul Partners,

I too wish more people on this site would share their issues, knowledge, wisdom so we could all learn and grow together. After all, isn’t that a specific goal of Gary’s teachings — a better world with harmony, cooperation, SHARING, and reverence for life?

So, I understand your concern, Sundar, that my calling my share care-taking will further constrict the flow of ideas and information on the site.

Since we are on a journey to understand emotions, let’s explore this care-taking vs. sharing business. I’ll explain my take, please feel free to debate. Though, knowing me, you’ll be on the losing end (oops, is that ego creeping up? :o))

In this case, I had sent out a call to soul partners asking them to share what risks they are taking. Doug told us about the risk he was taking.

I don’t know what his emotions/ motivations were in posting. But let’s imagine for a moment, that he was feeling all good about himself that he was sharing his risk-taking behavior.

One good reaction to that would have been be to thank him for making the community more vibrant by sharing. I mean, come on, he was the only person who shared their risk taking behavior! Thanks, soul partner!

Or, I could have congratulated him for confronting his fear and overcoming it.

Both of these would have been enhancing reactions.

But whooosh! I took the air out of his tires by being all Ms Advising! When no advise was asked for.

I think it may not be a big issue with someone as even keeled as Doug. But there are people who take offense to being advised. And who have in my past taken offense to my advise (ah, perhaps there is a pattern to explore, a frequent player to quieten?)!

Close your eyes and imagine for a moment yourself giving advise. Visualize yourself, the setting, the room, the person to whom you are giving advise. No really, pause for just a brief moment to visualize the scenario.

Most likely, you saw yourself as big, and the person getting advise in a dimunitive position, either sitting down, crouching, a child, a student… hopefully you were not advising Obama, or the queen of England…!

At least this was the case for me when I visualize advise giving — advisor big, recipient small.

So, to me, giving advise seems to be a way for the ego to make itself feel big, more in control, more powerful. That darn tricky sneaky ego!

Continuing to explore emotions and motivations as Gary wants us to do — I would have to admit that there was a part of me that was seeking to find significance, approval, liking… by being helpful. And that is my MO (modus operandi), and has gotten me into relationship trouble in the past.

Another thing caretaking does is take my eyes off myself and my emotions, and focus attention on the other person. So, I don’t have to deal with my introversion, or my loneliness here in a new town.

Ok, does this mean no advise, no sharing, a deafeningly silent quiet community board?

No!

But, I think sharing on the community board does necessitate being aware of a few things:
1. Is the person asking for advise? If not, thank them, welcome them, use a different player.
2. What is your own motive in responding? Are you doing it to avoid focusing on yourself, to gain significance, meaning, to be popular (all external power manifestations)?
3. In the sharing, perhaps, one needs to focus on sharing about how we experienced something similar ourselves, how we are dealing with it now, or how we overcame it in the past. When I read Doug’s posts, I see him doing this well, as well as Stefanie, and Luz…in old posts.
4. Lastly, please please make mistakes! Care take, advise, feed that darn ego…do it all wrong. Perhaps someone will point it out, giving you an opportunity to course correct. After all, you ain’t gonna learn to walk if you ain’t crawled, stumbled, back tracked!
5. And if you are that person who is asking, “is that a fear based response….?” or something difficult like that, maybe the lesson is do it in a way that demonstrates love and caring, and doesn’t come across as snarky. That does shut down conversations.

Thanks for reading! And please do respond, and share your thoughts on distinguishing caring/sharing from care taking, your rules for the board…or anything at all.

Love,

Shelley