I appreciate your openness about your difficult time. You speak of emptiness, yet I feel some real warmth in you. You also speak of feeling empowered and weak at the same time. To me, Gary’s explanation of splintered personalities has been very helpful. The fears – in frightened parts of us – have their particular intentions, and the loving parts having theirs. Sometimes my frightened parts have been stronger than my loving parts when I didn’t even know I was frightened/angry/confused/vengeful/etc. My unconsciousness of that meant I wasn’t alert to choose to act from a more loving part of myself. This has caused me a great deal of hurt and anguish and anger that I didn’t understand at all. Now I get it – at least, get it a lot better. I have felt crazy, too, sometimes.

It’s taken me a long time to even begin to see my way through my mazes, but I find each challenge met carries with it the satisfaction of having gotten a bit more honest with myself, and of having gained in my ability to choose to reach for (as Gary says)the highest sense of love I can in the moment, even when I’m still feeling furious or self-righteous (for instance). I find lots of small satisfactions along the road. Small though they are, they feel so much better than the lies I have told myself. Also I find that praying out loud and as loud as I feel it, helps. It’s the complete earnestness and total disregard for any “correctness” that helps so much, for me. Like talking to the best friend ever, and feeling heard.

I hope you’ll keep posting, as you feel like it. I like hearing from you.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by karel.