Hello everyone! I am writing to clarify further for myself the distinction between external power and authentic power through a personal experience I am presently undergoing.

On Monday night I returned home from a 4-day trip, just at the time when the cold had reached its maximum low of -13 degrees F in the Chicago region. Right after my return, my husband, Greg informed me that he had let out our 13-year-old cat companion Golo, who had begged to go outside at 3:00 AM on Monday, just when the temperature had started its vertiginous drop. When I heard this, I went spiraling into fps of anxiety for Golo’s ability to survive the cold, of blame toward Greg, of utter helplessness in front of the universe which those fps perceive as indifferent toward individual fates–a most familiar reaction in front of circumstances I can’t control.

This state lasted for several hours on Tuesday, which also happened to be Greg’s birthday. In the early afternoon I called him at work to tell him I wouldn’t be able to celebrate with him in the evening as planned because of Golo’s situation. I was feeling such terrible pressure in my chest, solar plexus and throat that I almost would have preferred to die than to continue feeling the pain. In my fps I not only blamed Greg for letting Golo out but also myself for having left our home in winter, when the weather can be so dangerous for our feline companions, all 4 of them indoor-outdoor cats in milder weather. Had I been there, my fps thought, I would not have let Golo out.

Then suddenly a memory struck me: in summer 2007, upon my insistence, we had left our then 3 cat companions at a boarding facility before long trip. The day after we had left, Golo managed to escape. We immediately returned from our travels and did everything we could to find him. Eventually, after 6 months, he was found. I bring up this story because yesterday I suddenly realized that, if I looked at the situation in 2007 through fps, I would place the responsibility for Golo’s disappearance upon myself: according to that fp perspective, if I hadn’t insisted he and the other cats go to the boarding facility, he wouldn’t have escaped and been lost for 6 months. Yet I hadn’t intended for him to escape and get lost, no more than Greg had intended for him to disappear after going out on January 6th. Greg is no more nor less responsible than I was in 2007. That realization made me instantly snap out of fps of blame and distance Greg. I took responsibility for the pain I felt and called Greg to let him know. During our phone conversation, Greg said he had felt like a “Doctor Mengele” of sorts when confronted with my accusations.

Since then, I have felt much calmer about Golo’s disappearance, trusting that whatever happens or doesn’t happen to him is wholly beyond my control. There’s nothing I can do besides calling him, remaining vigilant for signs of his presence, and trusting he will return, just as he did a few years ago when he left our house for 11 days in similar circumstances (deep snow, which probably prevented him from finding his way back home through scent trails).

What stunned me in this experience is how fast I moved out of fps of blame and anger toward Greg to a more trusting place of loving parts of my personality once I was able to perceive the situation differently. Even if I try, I can no longer find those fps. They have become inactive. And so I was able to celebrate Greg’s birthday with him on Tuesday evening.

I also learned that I can fall deeply into fps of despair because I allow these fps to control my perceptions. Even if I feel great pain over separation and loss, I have no reason to blame anyone, including myself. I can sit with the pain and let it teach me what I need to learn about myself. In every circumstance where I feel deep pain and anger, the universe intervenes and supports me to look at the situation from a different perspective, ultimately removing the urge to blame others or myself. I understand that the universe’s support is inside me, that I have all the necessary tools to create authentic power. The very uncertainty of the final outcome for Golo is finally an invitation to feel all the joyful memories of our lives with this “son” of ours whom we love so dearly.