Hi Eric, I think you had a very valuable insight. In my experience it is still very painful to me when a person treats me badly, even when I realize when his/her behaviour has nothing to do with me, but with an active frightened part of him/herself. This can make it very difficult for me not to react angrily, but to step back, and to feel compassion for that person. Maybe this is what is meant by ‘turning the other cheek’, however, I personally feel it would be right to respond in a way, that protects myself from the abuse of the other person, whilst at the same time showing compassion for the fact that that person is acting from a frightened part in him/herself. What is your view in this?

Thanks for sharing your insights and experiences, Eric. In my case, I feel people are able to hurt me emotionally, even when I consciously choose to realise that someone is acting out a frightened part of his/her personality. This of course makes me vulnerable, and it is one of the reasons I tend to avoid too much contact with others. By not interacting much with other, however, I am not giving myslef the chance to learn and grow from my experiences. What has helped me are the guidelines of non-violent communication by the American Marshall Rosenberg, which are now even used by the UN to resolve conflicts between countries. Nevertheless, for me it is difficult to put into practice, when confronted with aggression by other people. So like you I feel it is difficult to live my beliefs, when it comes down to it. With love, Jeroen

Hi Kristen, pleased to meet you here, and thank for sharing your insights and experiences. Much of what you said refers to my post “Our parents our best supporters?”, in which I have challenged the view that our parents are our best supporters. You mentioned that your love was not really touched by painful experiences, once you opened up to feeling the depths of your pain. I agree with you that this is indeed the right path, but I believe professional help may be an essential part of being able to access one’s pain. In other words, accessing my pain may not be so straightforward as it seems. If damage was inflicted on me as a baby, then I may not have developed the ability to love or the ability to bond with other people. It becomes much worse if I was actively abused as a baby, then the rage that was caused by this experience will have become completely subconscious, and the temptation to act out may overwhelm me. I would say that it is right that my abusive mother may have been the cause of a situation of utter helplessness and pain in me as a child, which I have the responsibility to heal as an adult. However, to suggest that my mother’s soul thus supported me is highly misleading and dangerous, in my opinion, because it also suggests that her acts were somehow well-intentioned, and therefore I should be thankful for her actions. In my opinion, to use Gary’s terminology, I was confronted as a baby with my mother’s personality that was in great pain, and that was not aligned with her soul, as a result of which, damage was inflicted on me. If a mother wishes her child dead, this can hardly be called supportive, in my opinion. I am glad I suvived at all, to be honest. To illustrate my point of view, I would like to share this short documentary, of a 6 year old girl who did not develop empathy nor a consciounce as a result of severe child abuse as a 1 year old child: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=g2-Re_Fl_L4
To this day I have not found another person who could empathize with the hurt child in me, because professional helpers have only offered me anti-depressants, which do the opposite of what I need: to feel. This is why I have looked elsewhere for help, and now I am here in this community. Love, Jeroen

Jeroen, Thank you for sharing. I feel grateful for the clarity of your description, which supports me in becoming more aware of frightened parts of my personality that feel deeply entrenched. Recognizing these frightened parts is the first step toward healing. For many years I told myself a story about emotional and physical abuse, and felt like a victim. I was also a perpetrator. Only gradually did I even learn to recognize that I had a story. How empowering for me it has been to see that I had a choice to heal by challenging the frightened parts of my personality which felt victimized and angry, and which were of course destructive to me as well as others. I am now working on healing the emotion of guilt. And how amazing it is that you survived and have been given the opportunity to heal those frightened parts in yourself. The documentary was enlightening. With love, Catherine

Catherine, I would just like to say that it moves me that you have chosen to look into yourself, and you have found the courage to challenge the frightened parts of your persoanlity. Much of what you say applies to me as well. Especially feelings of guilt can be so negative, because they can stop me from giving myself the opportunity to heal. I think to forgive myself for the mistakes I may have made and to be a ‘good parent’ to myself, and to love myself, can counteract these feelings.