Hi my name is Linda K, form Grand Rapids, Michigan. I’m a recovering alcoholic and have be sober for over 30 years. I got sober with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous coupled with psychotherapy and medication. I have struggled all my life with addiction and drepression.In spite of getting sober, in spite of my education and academic achievements, and after seeking help from eleven different psychotherapists and four different psychiatrists, I still can’t master myself, and nobody seems to be able to help me. I thought I had identified the roots of my addictions and compulsions and healed my fragmented psyche; but instead, I’ve been living unconsciously, enslaved by my unresolved negative emotions that have compelled me to repeat and recycle painful hurts and patterns from my past. I’m 62 years old now and over the years I have substitued one addiction for another, nicotine, caffiene, chocolate, over-eating, under-eating, compulsive worrying, castastrophizing, perfectionism, on-line gaming, cable news, you name it, I got it. My last addiction got the best of me 2 years ago.
My spending addiction was the worst. I was in denial about it for so long. My credit cards were all maxed out again, I owed the IRS $10,000 and nobody would hire me, after graduating from Grand Valley State University with a Master’s Degree in Social Work in 2015. I was 55 years old. I didn’t want to file bankruptcy again, and I fell to my knees crying in utter surrender and dispair. “God what am I’m going to do I said, and suprisngly I heard the answer “Sell the house.” I owned a beautiful home in an upper middle class neighbor in Ada, Michigan and I could really no longer afford the mortgage payments or the maintenance. I knew the message was from God and so I did sell the house. Now, I live in nice apartment with my 18 year old son and I’m trying to finsih writing my spiritual memoir about my life and I am totally paralyzed with fear. I seem to pop in and out of reality. I get stuck in the old programming and conditioning of my past and feel like it’s real. I feel the deep pain of feeling inadequate to be in the world,the pain of wanting to belong and not belonging, the pain of needing to love and feeling that I’m not capable of loving and I’m cetainly not worthy of love and belonging. It’s that pain that Gary talks about feeling defective, inherently flawed, broken and not worth or even able of being repaired. The pain of feeling completely powerless is overwhelming. I hope this Life School will help me heal. I would appreciate any feedback from anybody. Thank you and God Bless You.